she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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