the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
