I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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