and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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