last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
