I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
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this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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