just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
