There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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