At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
