How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
