I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He felt like a one man threesome
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
