I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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