theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
