Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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