i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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