my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
