What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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