I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
