I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
