3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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