You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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