I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
