you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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