3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
