I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
