In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
