my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
