She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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