just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
