I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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