The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
