ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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