Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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