Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
