found the other keg... it's in the tree
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
