Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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