he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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