I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
