i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
