I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
