my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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