Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
