saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
