Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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