Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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