I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
