So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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