did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
