I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Randomize
