This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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