I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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