ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
