Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
