I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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