Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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