Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
